life

it all goes by so slowly and so quickly at the same time. i have no idea what im doing. i just fly by the seat of my pants and hope for the best. there is no way to control everything anyway...no point in trying. my parents house is almost built. its beautiful. everything is perfect and exactly what they want. its not the same though. i cant believe its been over 3 months since b left us. doesnt make sense in my head nor in my heart and i miss her. im afraid. afraid it will happen to me and afraid it wont. she was so fill of life. i was always jealous of her. now shes gone. just like that. what if i die young with so much more to do? what if i die old and alone having done nothing. i dont want to be afraid. this next year is dedicated to finding me. i want to live a life that would make b smile. i'll be getting my first tattoo this year in her memory. and im going to start embracing things that make me happy. im determined to find beauty everywhere...if things are beautiful they cant be scary right?