having faith

im goign to pour out my soul, if you dont like it, or plan on making fun of me...prolly dont read it.
so lately it seems my life just keeps getting crappier. i tried to have faith. i tried all last year and all summer when it felt like i was goign through absolute hell. turned out i failed pretty miserably and did some stupid stuff i will never be able to take back. i had faith all through my grandpa's illness....then my grandma got sick and died. ever go through someone's death feeling completely alone? and now...here i am 25, not married no job, and not so happy at home, but no way to leave, unless i want to live liek a 12 year old girl at bording school. people keep telling me to have faith...but these are people with lives that are happy. how do they know anything about having faith? what you have faith that God will...maintain your fabulous life? woopie. how can you tell someone to jsut have faith when you dont understand what faith is. people look down on me because i do not have faith...in reality i have as much faith as them, its jsut they aren't being tested...they dont have to 'have faith' because they have everythign they want. what would you do if you were living in a place with people who made it quite clear they dont want you, if you couldn't find a job and you had no way out? what woudl you do if the person you loved and trusted most in the world was someone you just messed up? if people all around you were sick and dying...if you were getting older and older and were still single even though you just feel like you were built to be a wife and a mother if your extended family looked at you as a failure because you are single...dont have a job and live at home...if you didn't fit in anywhere cuz the Christians think you are bad and the non Christians do things you don't want to do. what woudl you do? thats the advice i want. i dont want the advice to have faith from someone who doens't understand what exactly have faith means. im sure some people mean well, but i know most of you look down on me. im not less of a Christian because i struggle. and i dont want pitty, i want help...i want to knoo everything is goign to be ok. how do i know that? how do i have faith? when everything is going wrong how can i trust that someday something will go right? you tell me all i need is God...but, He made us social people, he gave us eachother to help us to grow, you tell me all i need is God, but i need friends too. i also need prayer. i'll prolly regret writing all this, i'll prolly get embarassed that you all know my personal life...but im stuggling and i need help. please dont just judge me, look down on me and think wow at least im not as messed up as her. im asking you for help...not for you to look down your noses at me. and i remember the verse consider it pure joy my brother's whenever you face trials of many kinds... but my question is how?

hmmm oops.

i fear that face book may cause me to neglect blogigng! but here is a blog for ya'll who still read it:P everyone here is doing well. God is awesome and faithfull as always:P im sick..but meh...who isn't. im still looking for a job so please keep praying! i baby sat last night so i got to go in the hot tub...that was pretty sweet...rolle din the snow and got back in:P the boys liked it haha. i hope all is going well with everyone...sorry i have nothing profound to say.... though i guess i could talk a little bit about how i feel so content. God is awesome! im not so freaking out about things like i usually do. im like...happy...weird:P isn't it just sooo amazing how amazing God really is? its liek every morning i wake up and forget...then i am reminded everyday in a new way! glory be to my God, my Father, my King!

update

ok so the doctor's a moron...wanted to put him in paletive care cuz of how sick he was last week....well...he beat that sick...its old news. grandpa is still doing great...welll feeling ok anyway. he is dying, but not today. thanks for the prayers. keep em comming:)

pray please

hey everyone. my grandpas cancer doctor called a family meeting for thursday at 4 pm. family meetings with cancer doctors are never good. he has leukemia, hes had it a few years now and there is nothing else they can do for him. hes been on chemo pills for a while to try to keep the cancer cells sdown, but it keeps his other cells down too, so he has no immune system and could bleed to death easily. he has a lung infection right now, and is on antibiotics. please pray for him, for salvation and healing, and for our family. also pray the news will actually not be bad... just pray a lot please. my grandma has been gone 2 months today and thats still hard to deal with. she was 66 my grandpa is 67...so young, so sucky. so please pray for him and all of us. thank you so much, i love you all.

sheryl crow lyrics.

"The First Cut Is The Deepest"

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I have
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, he's worse...

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure gonna give you a try
If you want I'll try to love again, (try)
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...
OOHHH,

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
But when it comes to lovin' me, he's worse...

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
But I'm sure gonna give you a try
Cuz if you want I'll try to love again(Try to love again, try to love again)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know,

OOHHH....The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
When it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, he's worse

OOHHH, the first cut is the deepest
Baby I know (baby I know)
The first cut is the deepest
Try to love again...