hey....

all ya'll never comment...i look so uncool....i know some people read.....but they never leave comments....some people who may or may not have an aunt shmoo....hmmm......sad....heart.....busted.

its a boy!

my cousin julie is pregnant and due july first, and today she found out its a boy! how exciting! i also have some advice for the world tonight...that is, communication is key people! relationships can't work without it...not even friendships!

hard questions with no answers.

its so hard not knowing if someone likes you or not, sometimes you think they do, somtimes you think they dont. you are always wondering always questioning...should i wait for him? should i move on? it makes your heart break because the not knowing eats at it all the time. its so much better just to know...even if its that they don't like you, because then you can move on, or at least start the long process of trying to get over him. sometimes, you just want him to tell you, even if it breaks your heart, because in reality...it is already breaking.

things always change

yeah...so i guess back to that whole difficult thing...only i am more at ease now...i know i am gonna' be ok. i guess change isn't always bad...even if it feels sooo bad while its happening....when people come into your life you never picture them leaving again...but the truth is...most of them do leave...as painful as it is. there are so many people i don't want to leave..but i know many of them will. i love you all, very much, don't forget while you go through your lives, that someone else will always love you, God.

short stories part 2, read part one first!

As he drives home through the pouring rain his eyes turn red. His fists clench tighter around the steering wheel as his heart fills with rage. He loosens his grip only to take another drink. He slams on the breaks and skids as he curses at the red light. He honks his horn impatiently as if it will cause it to turn green. He curses louder when it doesn’t work, and smashes his fist off the steering wheel. The second it turns green he screeches his tires as he speeds away. Another red light! Another fit of rage! Cursing so loud a man walking his dog down the street turns to see what the ruckus is. He turns back quickly as the man pounding his fist on the wheel pauses a moment to give him the finger and curse loudly at him. As he pulls into his driveway he rushes to the house, taking no time to turn the car off or shut its door.
Bam! He takes one look at her sitting there, she didn’t do the dishes again. He takes a drink, pulls the gun from inside his coat. He calls her name in a mocking voice, but he doesn’t wait for her to turn around. Bam! The blast is so loud it knocks pictures from the wall. He sits at the table beside her, wipes her blood from his section, and takes a long look at the very thing that turned him into what he has become. He picks it up, and he takes one last drink of that whisky. Picks the gun up off the table and Bam.
He lays there in a pool of his own blood. He can’t see anything, but he can feel everything. The pain is unbearable, but he can’t find the gun. As he lays there, he thinks of all that he has done, all that has happened to her, and knows it is all his fault. As he slowly drifts away, he mumbles softly the words "I’m sorry", and this time, he means it.

2 short stories part 1

She sits there in awe. Occasionally she looks up from the tiles on the floor to allow her eyes to meet with the clock. This time she stays fixated on the clock for a few moments, and when she lowers her head a single tear hits the tile. She focuses on the tear now, how its unique formation has created a tiny clean spot on the floor. She wonders to herself if perhaps she could clean the entire floor with the tears she has cried lately. She begins to think of how it all happened. Where did she go wrong? How could she not see? As she looks up at the clock again she realizes her eyes are once again so filled with tears she is unable to see what is right in front of her. Back down her head goes quickly, the tears pour over creating more unique clean spots, she focuses on them and realizes they are stains.
Bam! The door flies open she becomes frantic for a moment, and then numb. She closes her eyes. She smells whisky and can see a little girl playing in a field. She runs and runs and dances round and round, all the while picking beautiful flowers for her mother. She has a huge smile, she is so happy, so content, not one tear falls from her eyes to stain the field. She fears nothing, why would she? She has nothing to fear. She sees butterflies, and a light wind blowing the leaves of a near by tree. She runs to the tree and swings off the tire held up by the ropes her father tied for her. She realizes she is the little girl.
A bright light blinds her as she opens her eyes. First she can see nothing, then her mother, a face she hasn’t seen in five years. "Its ok baby girl, you are going to be ok. That son of a bitch thought he killed you then he killed himself. You are safe now baby girl, you don’t have to be afraid again. We can see each other now, he can’t stop us." She smiles, and then closes her eyes for the last time.

difficult

sometimes life gets really hard. and you have to make decisions you don't want to make...sometimes no matter how hard you pray you can't make someone love you....and then...you have to learn you can't take them with you when you move on...sometimes...you just want to scream because your heart doesn't know if its happy or sad...because in reality its ecstatic and devestaed all at once. growing up is so painful, even when its happy.

i am borring

well, my life is pretty borring these days. i think things are finally getting sorted out with prairie, thats fabulous! i have to sing alto in choir tomorrow because the main alto(there are only 2 altos) wont be there....that should be interesting...i should have pretended i couldn't...or maybe it wouldn't have been pretending? i sang alto a couple weeks ago, but the main one was there...that made life easier...i am on my own basically now...:( i would so much rather sing soprano....its easy. so there is this internet boy i talk to now. you can pray about that....i think thats all i shall write for now. CONGRATULATIONS TO DENNIS AND VAL ON HAVING DAUGHTER NUMBER 2, AND CONGRATULATIONS TO LAEL ON BECOMING A BIG SISTER! i hope everyone's lives are going well, and that you are all leaning on God. i love you all!

haha

get out baby!! meet your family!! haha maybe i helped? you are funny val, i love you!

sadness

i lost the link to your blog:( email it to me? sorry val! how are things going? that baby out yet? update me! i miss you! :( oh look another blog just for you! my life is goign ok, frusterated with prairie stuff, they keep telling me luke and josh all different things :S:S but i am sure it will all get sorted out. my grandma's femer is completely healed, only took 4 months, they thought it would take 8, so thats good. we have at least another month with my grandpa, he went to TO and is still in remission, he is on a drug called glevax, i think its supposed to keep him in remission longer, but it does make him puffy. ummm i guess everything is going pretty good. i hate not being at school, i really miss luke, oh and everyone else of course...but i mean...him the most he is my best friend haha sorry nicki:( hmm oh my mom's ms is getting worse, i wish they would put her on the meds because if they don't she will keep getting worse, if they do she will stop getting worse. she has a really bad memory now. ummm, oh my youngest brother got a fish, and his name is frank...and my other brother got his tongue pierced yesterday...he is way wimpier than i was, and he got in trouble...i didn't:S. after ross's sermon a couple of weeks ago i have felt like i am starting over kinda'. i feel a lot closer to God and like my life is a lot more on track for Him. ross said we need to have 2 new years resolutions, 1. live a life that is pleaseing to God, and 2. eagerly look forward to the second comming. i think its some pretty solid advice, and i have been trying. i am reading my Bible a lot more, and just feel A LOT more content with my life. God is amazing, and its pretty cool how He can speak to us. oh gosh...i did my first solo...it went really well, and i surprised them cuz they didn't know i could sing loud...haha...but yeah...man oh man that was the most nerve racking thing i have experienced in quite sometime. as soon as i finished singing i just started shaking...a lot! i was sure the whole church could see my blue choir binder vibrating! haha...but now that that's over i am sure the next time will be easier...right? yeah, things are good, and i really hope they are good with you too! dannis, val, lael, and spruce easton....it just fits you see? go with it...haha miss you val, email me your blog again...i will save it as a favorite this time i promise!

Does anybody hear her?

Does Anybody Hear Her Lyrics Casting Crowns

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years olderAnd she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affectionThat she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

Never even met her
Never even met her

Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me

Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?
Does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?

He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction


- Thank you Jesus for letting someone see.

poems

Untitled
She lays in bed screaming inside. Her bones ache and her heart pounds pain. She wants to tell you, she loves you, she wants you to know, but you can’t. She can’t tell you what her soul longs to pour out, she must keep it safe inside. Her fear of being crushed prevents the secret from leaving her lips. But her eyes tell you everything.

Was it love
I will never forget the burning pain
The pounding ache inside my heart
Was it love, or am I insane

I want to be set free, to undo the chain
Each tear that fell was a work of art
I will never forget the burning pain

My heart was dead, it had been slain
My dreams had all been ripped apart
Was it love, or am I insane

I was falling backward, there was no gain
Was it all a lie from the start?
I will never forget the burning pain

It felt spectacular, it wasn’t plain
In the bull’s eye with the dart
Was it love, or am I insane

Until I’m old and grey and need a cane
When my brain gives out and I lose my smart
I will never forget the burning pain
Was it love, or am I insane

Loving eyes
When she looks into your warm loving eyes
She can’t help but have a little more hope

She trusts you not to tell her lies
She holds on tight, lets you pull the rope

She trusts that you care, and that you are wise
And that with her craziness you can cope

She maybe be quirky and a little odd
But her beauty is, she loves God

nicole massey december 2005

love songs

i am updating val! my baby cousin is up to 6lbs 13 ounces! huge! Christmas shopping done basically, still have baking to do. i joined the church choir...:S now, i have become obsessed with love songs, know any good ones? love you!

fabulous!

ok so totally fabulous night! i was talking to someone i thought it was going to be rought to talk to and God just opened my eyes up! i feel so content and fabulous! God is awesome!!! that is all i need to say, God is awesome! i don't fit a mould...but neither did martin luther. i like me, all of me. JESUS I TRUST IN YOU ALONE! good night everyone.

i am laying in bed

so i am laying here and i decided to check my blog, and to my delight and amusment both dennis and val commented lol. awesome. thank you dennis... it is kinda' weird...and such a hard thing to grasp....knowing you are forgiven...for all the jerky things....man...i don't like a trillion everyday and i don't even notice. like now for example, and val this answers your question, am i ok, well i am ok. i jsut have no idea where my life is going or what i am supposed to be doing with it. its so difficult to have faith, and to know that it is in God's hands, and that i don't have to worry about it. worrying is a difficult habbit to kick. and its expecially hard when i look into my future and i have no idea what i see. i am ok, i jsut need to learn to have more faith. i am dealing with it again now, i thikn i sent you the email, but luke has no money, and he needs money and so i sent out an email to the people we know asking them to donate what they can, and i feel so like...people are just goign to think i am dumb and not help, but i know that even if they don't help its in God's hands, and luke is in God's hands as well. its jsut hard to really believe that for me for some reason. i hope things are well with you dennis and val, and with lael and the baby, and i hope things are well for whoever reads this. and remember everyone, God is in control...remember nicole, God is in control. i love you guys and i miss you. and sorry dennis i don't nkow what else to say about val that would be amusing...but i guess just making this blog directed to the two of you should help LOL. name this baby Acanthus, or Apple, or Buttercup, or Cotton, hahaha or any other names from this site http://www.alternativebabynames.com/index.php?goto=nature there are so many ridiculous names out there lol. if you are reading this julie, you shoudl name your baby form here too lol. i miss you val!

yep

life is just plain difficult. does anyone know what they are doing? or do they know whats going on? if any of you do, please tell me.

yay

well my brother's football team won COSSA today! that is the central ontario finals, and since its a junior team, that it! so they won it all! that was exciting! check the examiner tomorrow! i am going to see my new baby cousin tomorrow. his name is braydon and he was born on october 30, and was 4 lbs 2 ounces! so thats pretty exciting as well! remember to keep praying for luke in ecuador. love you all! especially you val! see i still got you in! lol.

val

i can't get to your blog ...what is it? i clicked the link...no cigar...which is ok cuz cigars are gross...but no blog either :( the 5th floor sucks, and i have been hearing a couple of stories too :S:S its hutch 5 though....so maybe the part where the babies are born is clean...and maybe the patients are taken care of? i didn't know babies are born on that floor...anywya...just don't get sick and you should be just fine. i'll let you know more about my internship once i actually pick exactly what i am going to do first. i thnk the ultimate goal is to get younger peopole going to the church. so youth group, kids club, afterschool homework club, sunday school, contemporary worship night...lots of things we want to do, but we'll see if we can acclomplish anything. its all goign to basically left up to me which is scarey so please pray for me. i will also likely be joining the choir(scarey) and doing administartion stuff and a slew of other things..basically whever i am needed i will be, plus if i want to learn about something they will let me do that too. love you val, and can't wait 'till the baby comes... gonna' name him ziggy witt? or her psychy queen? ah the good solid names. my aunt got flown back to her home hospital in new market today, and i am goign to see her on the weekend. she is 32 weeks today, and i image the baby will be comming in the next few weeks, cuz the baby is putting pressure on the placenta and so pushing on her cervix and so its getting more likely that she is going to hemorage. the baby is about 4 lbs now, so hopefully she can make it 34 weeks, and the baby should be big enough to not have to stay in the hospital too long. they wont let me name their kid either:S ya'll are wimps! lol but i do know that he or she will be getting a LEAF jersy at a very young age...courtesy of mom and i! haha love you val!

grr

no one ever comments :(

ok now

alright, well i got my internship, i found that out nearly a week ago now, but i haven't put it up here. i am super excited about it...like for real!!! it sould be sooo much fun! a lot of work, but a lot of fun too!!!! my grandpa got transported to princess margret in toronto, so although its far and we can't go vist often, at least he is actually getting good care. civic hospital, aka peterborough reginal health centre blows. the care just sucks hard core, and the place is flithy....at least the 5th floor is anyway...made me sick....and was making him sicker. so he is way better off in TO and is doing so much better already. aunt meaghan started bleeding agin today, and the care in ottawa isn't that sweet either. originally they told her to take a commercial flight, or a taxi home to TO, but now they are going to air lift her back to her home hospital, thank the Lord, because if she started bleeding half way on that 5 hour drive home she and the baby could have died. she is 31 weeks and 3 days now, so thats awesome, and she will be 32 weeks on thursday, and that is when she will be air lifted back to new market, and that is where the baby will be born...likely in the next couple weeks:) she isn't due until Christmas, but the baby weighs 4 lbs and she should be good to go now:) my grandma is also still in the hospiutal but doing awesomely, she can really move around with her good leg and her arms now. other than all of that i think every thing here is great. i would still appreciate your prayers for all of these things, and for luke who is still in ecuador until the 22 of december. sorry this is so long, i love you all!