2022 update

I'm enjoying summer thus far. Lots of camping and daily outings. Kids are having fun. 

I have become a huge fan of yoga. Its changed my life. I go several times a week and meditate as often as possible.  It's dulled my anxiety to a manageable level. I have been finding connections with new people and making amazing friends who are like minded and lovely.  I feel changes coming for me that are scary but will be good. I feel like i have grown a lot. Kindness is my favourite thing. I strive to be kind to everyone because thats what i need from people. I think yoga and meditation are helping me to see the good in everyone but also realizing that not everyone has a permanent place in my life.  I am enjoying my new adventure.

Being a mom is hard. I am exhausted all the time. Trying to make everyone happy all the time is so difficult. I struggle a lot but i am so grateful for these little people. I'm trying my best to be everything they need me to be and to make sure they turn out to be kind loving people.  

Nick has decided to not play hockey this year and instead try a new adventure in martial arts. I am actually really sad he wont be playing but am excited for him to find a sport he loves. Everyone else wants to play. He is being tested for ASD and hearing issues with his right ear. He has some struggles but has a big heart and is a sweety.  

William has been diagnosed with adhd inattentive and after years of struggling in school is finally on a dose of medication that is helping him focus and excel! He is doing great.

Benjamin has been doing well in school.  He procrastinates like i always did but academics come easily to him. He loves baseball and while they are all playing this year, he loves it the most.

Elizabeth is in her first year of tball and is having fun! She starts school in the fall and that makes me so sad. She is my little bestie. She is so ready for it though.

And for Brian, the only person reading this "Yeah baby, yeah."  From your favourite movie. Also, you're my best friend and i love you and I am proud of you and you're going to be ok. Your love of fish is a bit much though. 😬 thanks for being a golden girl with me. 

Look sloop a new blog for you to read! I forgot blogs existed until today. 🧡

wooo

Update! Married, have a 1 year old, am pregnant!!!

life

it all goes by so slowly and so quickly at the same time. i have no idea what im doing. i just fly by the seat of my pants and hope for the best. there is no way to control everything anyway...no point in trying. my parents house is almost built. its beautiful. everything is perfect and exactly what they want. its not the same though. i cant believe its been over 3 months since b left us. doesnt make sense in my head nor in my heart and i miss her. im afraid. afraid it will happen to me and afraid it wont. she was so fill of life. i was always jealous of her. now shes gone. just like that. what if i die young with so much more to do? what if i die old and alone having done nothing. i dont want to be afraid. this next year is dedicated to finding me. i want to live a life that would make b smile. i'll be getting my first tattoo this year in her memory. and im going to start embracing things that make me happy. im determined to find beauty everywhere...if things are beautiful they cant be scary right?

a poem about b

She does not sleep, she walks with Him.

She left the earth with a new life to begin.

Her smile is bigger now than it has ever been.

The sun shines brighter than she has ever seen.

The pain is gone, it doesn't hurt anymore.

She is happy now, of this we can be sure.

And yes we will miss her for the rest of our lives.

We will think of her fondly, we'll smile and cry.

But no one can take the memories we hold in our hearts.

She will live deep inside us until we too part.

We will hold tight to each thought until our last breath is due.

Then we will see her again and walk with Him too.

So, although she's not here and it hurts to carry on.

Just because we can't see her doesn't mean she is gone.

When tears fill your eyes and your heart grows dim.

Just remember,

She does not sleep, she walks with Him.

memories

22 years and 4 months. thats how long i've known you. thats pretty much our entire lives. i can't even imagine what it would have been like without you. you were part of everything. i remember when i first met you E invited me over to play with you and i was so excited to make my first friend since moving. i think we were pretty much inseparable from that point on. you knew all my secrets...not that you always kept them secret! when i try to think of our good times my head nearly explodes because there are so many. i love you more than im supposed to i think. you're the only "sister" i have ever had. i remember when you mom paid me to babysit you guys...that was fun...i got paid to hang out with my best friend. i also got paid to baby sit someone taller than me...haha. those were good days...prank calls, zoodles and grilled cheese. so many good times were had in the pool too..."geek down the street" wearing a life jacket even though he could touch! playing mermaids, swapping bathing suits, swimming laps, you being the only one tall enough to get the ladder down...and my favourite...you changing outside! remember the slip and slide? didn't even last a whole summer and your parents took it away. boo. remember playing in the sandbox? making terrible mixtures and trying to get katy to eat it? i think some of my favourite times with you when we were little was playing barbies. i loved barbies! and cabbage patch dolls. remember when we both fit on the small circle couch? i was sad to see that gem go! best couch ever. i know your favourite was uno...but if i recall correctly its because you pretty much always won. remember trick-or-treating? all those other schmucks walking and my dad driving us around...ha. remember freeze pops? yum! i will so never forget you driving your bike so fast the training wheels came flying off. oh my gosh and riding the wagon down the hill! ...and the picking of the rocks from my chin when i crashed it. i also remember you guys had the best back yard. like 4 swing sets and the pool and the sand box and the climbing tire. then as we got too old for that the trampoline came! didn't the boys jump off the garage roof onto it? man we were nuts. remember sneak swimming in the river so your parents didnt get mad that we weren't in the pool? remember singing together? praying together? the opening of fishing season! sleeping in the car...you being real drunk. remember me threatening to throw that one guy in the river if he didn't leave you alone?! remember me being banned form being your date because holly hated me after i threatened to beat her up when you were in grade 8? remember going for runs together but i was slow and you were fast so you would jog ahead and come back? remember when we took the grandprix and you drove it into a tree at the movie store?! remember watching mike dance?! remember when he had a crush on me? :P oh boy. remember that time you got hurt playing rugby? i cried so much and had to play while crying haha. remember when my hair got chopped off and you put your clips in it to make it pretty? :) strip poker in my basement? sharing a slushy. sitting on the bench down town with a cosmo. banana popsicles. that time you insisted you would not burn, you put on a bikini and sat in the sun all day at my trailer...yeah you burned real nice. remember the time your daddy made US clean the pool after winter? man that was SICK. remember tuesdays and fridays figure skating and saturday morning bowling. remember our many crushes on like everyone! remember the fort? watching the boys play road hockey? me being in bed naked and you coming over and sitting on the end of it talking to me? remember always meeting and parting at the corner? the caterpillar tree?? ew. remember me always making you carry me? dirty dancing at school dances...and the teen dances! remember spending 7$ at Christmas? remember when we went away to school? and didn't see each other much anymore? :( remember talking on the phone when we could find time? remember when you told me they found tumors in your lungs and we cried in the parking lot at the mall... remember when you drove here for my birthday to surprise me? best birthday present ever. remember exploding chocolate sauce and me laughing in hysterics on the phone...then raymond having to clean it up...his punishment for making a terrible casserole. remember the best dance ever? remember the most wonderful lunch at reggies? so many more memories to come. God is in control. thank you for being my "sister" thank you for being part of everything in my life. i've never been so scared and so content at the same time. God really is in control. i love you belinda. my life would have been absolute crap without you.

not so bad...not so bad.

today i decided i like not being married, and i like not having kids. for now at least. i get to hang out with my friends whenever i want and i can fly by the seat of my pants. example, tonight i am having a mac and cheese party. woot.